Thank You Letter to an Organ Donor

A Love  Letter to An Organ Donor

 

Every year on 10 June I share this letter I wrote to my husband’s heart transplant donor.

Obviously ‘D’ will never read this – whether their family will I have no idea.

But it just felt important to write – I share to raise awareness of what a difference organ donation can make.

Love Letter to ‘D’

Dear D

You will never know me D, and I will never know you.

But this letter is one that I have been wanting to write for a long time now.

I guess it could be classed as a thank you letter – because I am about to write down a  list of things that I am eternally grateful to you for.

Obviously, the biggest thank you is for the gift of life that you gave to my husband.  And the gratitude that I feel for that sometimes overwhelms me.  At the most inconvenient times my senses become swamped with a feeling it’s impossible to describe.  An emotion that’s bigger than I can contain, and I have to pull over (if I’m driving), or find a quiet space if I’m in company, to just sit and  let it do its thing. Until it settles and I’m confident to carry on again with whatever I’m doing.

But that’s the big stuff. 

That’s kind of the stuff I expected to happen.  And that’s the thank you I expected to be feeling.

What is hitting me now though, five years down the line, are the seemingly small jigsaw pieces of life after transplant.

The small intersections of everyday life that  slot together to form a solid whole.

So here is my thank you list to you ‘D’.  And I know that you will never receive this letter, so in a way it is a selfish letter.  It’s a cathartic letter that I needed to write, to someone who will never see it, but somehow, I needed to put it down on paper.

Trips to Beaches

Thank you for the very first trip to the beach I had with my husband after his transplant. 

He was still incredibly weak and feeble, and I had to help him from the car to the bench at the side of the shore.

It was a windy day, and he couldn’t get over feeling the salty air on his face, and the smell of the sea.  His hand was shaking in mine as he asked me if I could see how beautiful the reflection of the sun on the ocean was.  I said yes, I’d always loved seeing it.  He replied that he honestly thought it was the first time he’d ever noticed it. 

It sounds corny, but as well as giving him the gift of a new heart, on that trip it was as though he had been gifted enhanced senses. 

Belly Laughs with My Daughter

Thank you for bringing me and my daughter closer together. 

For allowing me to see her as a young woman, and not just as my child. 

When my husband was still in hospital with complications after surgery, I have no doubt at all that she helped get me through.  When I wobbled, she put her arms around me and, without words, held me close until I felt strong again.  And I realised that I didn’t always have to shield her from my weaknesses. 

And surprisingly through our tears and our fears, we also had laughs.  And I mean real belly laughs.  About the silliest of things. 

In hotel rooms and B & B’s in Cambridge we would share a double bed, and pull the duvet up around us and watch ‘mum’ on the telly.  We still watch it together when it’s on now.  And she has told me that it brings her back happy memories. 

Thank you for that ‘D’.

Faith in Human Nature

Thank you for giving me back my faith in human nature. 

I had always been dismissive of the friendships formed on social media.  But the support I had as I poured my heart out (cathartically) on my facebook page, from relative strangers touched me more than I can ever say. 

As did the surprise pamper  package that turned up on my doorstep one day, from people who had been following my husband’s progress and took the time to get together and gift me scented candles, relaxing bubble bath, inspirational books, aromatherapy oils and relaxing tea bags. 

People I thought I hardly knew, who had maybe been to one of my workshops, or simply followed my business page.  Co-ordinated by one lovely lady who  took the time to find out where I lived and drop off my package.

 I will never, ever, take social media ‘friends’ for granted again.

Rick Astley (what’s that about??)

Thank you for a renewed love of music. 

Particularly, of all people, Rick Astley.  The words to ‘I’ve got Angels on my side’ stopped me in my tracks.  The first time I heard it on the radio I had to pull over my van and sit sobbing in a lay by.  (Thank goodness for lay bys.  I highly recommend them as sobbing places).

Intimancy

Thank you for a renewed intimacy with my husband. 

This may be over sharing, but prior to transplant, making love was pretty much impossible. 

It still has its difficulties, but we are finding ways to over come these.

More importantly, we are no longer scared to spend lazy days together in bed, gently exploring and finding new ways of enjoying this side of our relationship. 

Arguments – Yes, Honestly

On the subject of ‘normal relationships’, thank you for allowing us the safety of having a blazing argument from time to time. 

Believe me, when you are scared that your partner is about to croak it, a lot of pent up frustration (not always related to my above thank you), gets repressed, because you don’t want your last words to be angry ones. 

Now we bicker (he likes to use the word debate) as we used to do before he became ill.  We’ve never been that shouty couple, but we do disagree on lots of things, and I like it that way.  I think it’s healthy, and occasionally I can even get him to change his mind (although not on Brexit).

Dancing

Thank you for our failed attempts at the tango, but our tentatively successful forays into swing jive. 

My husband needs to exercise in order to keep that wonderful heart of yours healthy, and the gym is a no go area for him now. 

Tango I don’t think we were cut out for, I just wanted to giggle all the time and felt like the naughty girl in school for not being mean and moody enough as we strutted around.  But swing jive, which we have just started is a ball. 

We are never going to be amazing, but we are jigging around sort of in time to the music, and we are laughing more than we have done in ages. 

Your gift has coaxed both of us up off the sofa and out and about as a couple.  As a healthy couple.  Who can get out of breath swinging each other about and not end up in a hospital.

Thank You to Your Family

Lastly I need to thank you for letting your loved ones know that you wished your organs to be donated. 

I know that something like 70% of organ donors don’t get to pass on the gift of life, because their loved ones don’t give their consent.  And I can understand that. 

I cannot imagine how distressing it is to be asked if a loved one’s organs can be taken, especially so soon after death.  I also know that relatives who have had a conversation beforehand about this are more likely to say yes. 

So a huge thank you to you, for making your wishes clear, and to your loved ones, for honouring those wishes.

So yes, this is probably a thank you letter. 

But it is also a love letter.  Because for better or worse, you are in some way, a part of our family now, and that means that we do love you.  A part of you lives on through my husband.  And I sincerely hope that brings your loved ones some comfort. 

Yours, with love, and thanks always

Donna xx

 

That’s my love letter to a person I will never meet.

If anyone reads this, I guess my main message is this.  Even with the new opt out system that is now in place, family members will still be able to say no to organ transplantation.  As I said in my letter, I absolutely understand this decision.  However, what is proven is that if people have had a conversation beforehand making their wishes clear, families find it much easier to make a decision that supports their loved ones wishes.

I still find this a difficult and emotive subject to write about, but I do also think it is a subject that needs to be spoken about openly and honestly so that people like my husband continue to be lucky enough to receive the gift of life.

Thanks for reading, take care everyone